Authors Note: When I started writing this piece as a stream of consciousness I had the vision to have it be a very long writing piece. During my writing though I talked to Mr. Johnson and he told me some advise "longer is not better" then after that meeting I realized if I leave my story as it is it will have this suspense and mystery to it, that a longer story would not have had. In this short story I am working on my content of my writing.
Waking up I feel the sun beating on my face almost as a natural alarm clock. My senses are awaking as I hear birds chirping and the smell of my delectable breakfast being prepared. Now slipping out of bed in my purple satin pajamas I slid onto the floor and gather myself. Standing up I walk to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face. Breathing heavily from the freezing water ,I look in mirror and face myself. Why should I be set apart from the world trapped inside this dungeon like Rapunzel. I am not Rapunzel I am not waiting for my king to save me. I'm 13 and needing to live my life my own way not being over looked by my parents and stuck in this castle.
I get to go outside once a day only when the guards are on duty other wise I am kept in side like an animal at the zoo.When I was little I had fun in this castle running around in my new dresses and having adventures but since the "Attack" everything has changed. Things became more protected for me. My friendships were broken apart because of my parents wanted to keep me safe. Even things so small effected my whole life. There's only one way to change my life around… To escape. I have been planning my escape to leave this dreadful castle since a year after the attack. "KNOCK KNOCK Breakfast is ready" coming back to reality I had realized I was still looking in the mirror. Gathering my thoughts and emotions, I put on my slippers, walked to the kitchen and joined my parents for breakfast completely putting away all thought I had before.
Waking up I feel the sun beating on my face almost as a natural alarm clock. My senses are awaking as I hear birds chirping and the smell of my delectable breakfast being prepared. Now slipping out of bed in my purple satin pajamas I slid onto the floor and gather myself. Standing up I walk to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face. Breathing heavily from the freezing water ,I look in mirror and face myself. Why should I be set apart from the world trapped inside this dungeon like Rapunzel. I am not Rapunzel I am not waiting for my king to save me. I'm 13 and needing to live my life my own way not being over looked by my parents and stuck in this castle.
I get to go outside once a day only when the guards are on duty other wise I am kept in side like an animal at the zoo.When I was little I had fun in this castle running around in my new dresses and having adventures but since the "Attack" everything has changed. Things became more protected for me. My friendships were broken apart because of my parents wanted to keep me safe. Even things so small effected my whole life. There's only one way to change my life around… To escape. I have been planning my escape to leave this dreadful castle since a year after the attack. "KNOCK KNOCK Breakfast is ready" coming back to reality I had realized I was still looking in the mirror. Gathering my thoughts and emotions, I put on my slippers, walked to the kitchen and joined my parents for breakfast completely putting away all thought I had before. 
I LOVED this piece! I thought that you really stepped it up on vocabulary and the content was advanced. I thought that you were able to engage the reader and you made me want to keep on reading. The only thing that I might change the formatting. I think that you should have broken the intro from the body. Overall, I really liked this piece!!!
ReplyDeleteI really like this piece! You're right, it is a cliff hanger. I'm dying to know what the "attack" is... The style is great, but I think you should add a little bit more -- maybe about the attack, but don't give away too much! Other than that, great job!
ReplyDeleteSydney very nice peice, I agree with Mr. Johnson, longer is not better. I really enjoy the word picture that you create and it does leave me wanting more. There is one correction, we let you go out twice a day!
ReplyDeleteLove you.
wait there is another correction! I should learn to type better and spell my words correctly...Very nice piece...not peice!
ReplyDeleteYou writing is really taking off. I love what you have here, especially your word choice and voice. There is a real message and point of view here that totally sounds like you. When we write something as pure as a stream of consciousness, it is particularly difficult to make sure we get it all right before publishing. I would recommend going back into the text, and editing the writing you have here. If you would like to look at it together, I would be glad to give you some techniques to use.
ReplyDelete